All Things Witness

Thoughts on the mission and power of Jesus Christ


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The Things of My Soul

I am something of a broken mess. I’ve known this for many years, although some of the reasons for this have only begun to become apparent to me over the last few months. My life-long struggle with depression, repeatedly escalating into debilitating episodes, now has some explanation. I am grateful for that, although the path to find my way out of it is long and currently shows no potential end. I trust that in either this life or the next, my soul will finally be free of the pain and affliction that have tormented me these past 50+ years.

As I was pondering this morning, the words came to me, ‘the things of my soul’. I thought it sounded like Nephi in the Book of Mormon, and a quick search led me to 2 Nephi 4:15 

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My Psalm of Sadness

I don’t feel sad.

I don’t mean just at this moment – although I don’t feel sad at this moment. I don’t even mean in the last week or month. I simply don’t feel sad, well, ever.

The last time I remember feeling sad and crying was when I was 8 years old. I was living in Australia, and my big sister had just got married and left the country. I remember crying that night because Debbie had left me. My parents, brother and three other sisters were still around, but somehow my big sister leaving made me sad. That was 40 years ago.

I’ve had numerous events in my life since then that should have made me sad, of course. And when others learn of them they are often sad for me.

As I’ve spoken of before, I’ve suffered from pretty serious bouts of depression through the years too. But my depression isn’t sadness – it’s hollow (although discussion of that is for another day). I feel depression. I don’t feel sadness.

Now, you might be thinking that not being able to feel sad sounds great. No tears, no bursting of the chest, no… whatever you feel when you’re sad. But it isn’t. Because sadness is an important emotion that helps us process important events in our lives.

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