Trigger warning. Please don’t read on if discussion about depression, abuse, and suicide will trigger you.

This post starts very, very personal and is a little unusual for my blog, so my apologies for that, but I think it’s relevant.

Lifelong depression is really, really …. Well, I can’t even think of an appropriate word. Awful, terrible, horrible – these all understate it. The word horrific has the feel to me of something acute rather than ongoing, although in one sense my depression often does feels like a never-ending acute sharp pain. I once described it as evil to someone but they immediately jumped on the ‘it must be demonic possession’ angle, and it isn’t demonic possession – at least mine isn’t.

I have what is today called Complex PTSD, or CPTSD, related to various traumas I experienced through my formative years. Not everyone who experiences trauma develops PTSD, nor do they necessarily experience depression – mental health is much more complicated than that. I’ve never been one to ask, ‘Why me?’, but I do spend a fair amount of time trying to understand what’s going on inside my head and why.

Continue reading →